Maybe I
don’t blog as much because of the waves of feelings of being so vulnerable to the world. Still,
it’s therapy. And it’s needed. Today, I was feeling blue. Stupid weather.
Thoughts of an old love consumed my mind today. So here I am – figuring, why
not blog about it, eh? This love was bitter sweet. Already, it’s inspired many
short stories of mine, daydreams, and a many gloomy days of missing this special love. Anyways,
here’s the story:
After sparking up a conversation with Cole (yes, Cole is
what I’ll call him for the sake of this post), somehow I instantly knew that it
wouldn’t take much to fall for him. And to this day, I can’t figure out how I
knew that - after only one conversation. It wasn’t his clothing. I mean, he was cute, but it
wasn’t that either. Maybe it was his spirit and demeanor. Just cool, simple,
and sincere. So when Cole asked me out on a date, I was taken aback, really. I
couldn’t remember the last time I was asked out on a date by a guy I actually
didn’t mind asking me out. I couldn’t say yes though. See, I had learned by him
that he was married and separated from his wife. Now, for some women, this is
not that big of a deal. He’s separated - sill married. Not living at home, and
most importantly, not wearing his ring. But he had also told me that he wasn’t
sure which direction they were going. So, there I was, stumped as to what to
say. I told him I’d let him know the next day. That night I cried out to God so
hard. The thing was this: I was trying to be more responsible with my heart.
You know, trying not to get involved in unhealthy relationships. I saw the
bigger picture. I’d go out with him, then I’d continue to go out with him, fall
in love with him, then he’d go back to his wife. My cries to God were pure
anguish. Wanting so bad to satisfy my desire, but knowing it would have been
such a horrible decision for myself. So, I said no. He understood, but we both
were disappointed. However, in spite of my 2 steps forward, I still found myself taking 3 steps back. I wound up
spending a lot of time with Cole while at work. It became somewhat of a
courtship. We’d meet every night in the cafeteria at 9:30 p.m.
Monday-Thursday. And boy did we have a lot to talk about. Good conversation with the opposite sex was a lost love of mine.
We formed a companionship with one another. Limiting our time shared to only work made
me think I would be emotionally safe from falling for him. Yeah, ok, so I was wrong. We
shared so much with one another during that period. But most of all, what really threw
me was all of similarities between Cole and I. Our need for affection, our love for writing, the
interest in photography, and both of our desires to live lives pleasing to God –
which the latter was what kept us from being intimate. It really kinda blew my mind. And
that’s how I got got. Just like that.
There were countless sweet moments between Cole and I. Our love could have been
so simple. He liked me and I liked him. But there was reality steadily staring
us in the face. All the uncertainty had us stuck in the tracks. And so, the
time came, when Cole decided to leave our job to focus on his marriage and
family again. I understood and hated it
at the same time. I had to respect his decision.
March 21st was the date. Cole and I walked outside and I remember him looking up and closing his eyes as if he was seeking strength for something. He held me for some moments. I asked if I’d ever see or speak to him again. He never could give me a clear answer. That was understandable too. When he let me go and walked away, I walked away. At that moment, I hated life and the cards it’d just dealt me.
March 21st was the date. Cole and I walked outside and I remember him looking up and closing his eyes as if he was seeking strength for something. He held me for some moments. I asked if I’d ever see or speak to him again. He never could give me a clear answer. That was understandable too. When he let me go and walked away, I walked away. At that moment, I hated life and the cards it’d just dealt me.
Welcome to June. And I still miss him. I still cry at times
because I miss what we never had. That’s life though, right? Still figuring the
reasoning for the whole episode. Did he fall for me based on who I am or out of
anger for his wife? No hard feelings though. Only love, prayers, and support from my
way. I pray for he and his family often. Sometimes, in hopes it’ll help me get
over him much sooner than later. Other times, I just want him to be happy and fulfilled – whether it’s
with me or not. Still, the sweetness and innocence of getting to know Cole will probably never go away. I accept what it is, and what it’ll never be. But what it
was will never change. And even in my heartbreak and disappointment, I’m
grateful for that.
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