Friday, June 7, 2013

March 21st, 2013

Maybe I don’t blog as much because of the waves of feelings of being so vulnerable to the world. Still, it’s therapy. And it’s needed. Today, I was feeling blue. Stupid weather. Thoughts of an old love consumed my mind today. So here I am – figuring, why not blog about it, eh? This love was bitter sweet. Already, it’s inspired many short stories of mine, daydreams, and a many gloomy days of missing this special love. Anyways, here’s the story:

After sparking up a conversation with Cole (yes, Cole is what I’ll call him for the sake of this post), somehow I instantly knew that it wouldn’t take much to fall for him. And to this day, I can’t figure out how I knew that - after only one conversation. It wasn’t his clothing. I mean, he was cute, but it wasn’t that either. Maybe it was his spirit and demeanor. Just cool, simple, and sincere. So when Cole asked me out on a date, I was taken aback, really. I couldn’t remember the last time I was asked out on a date by a guy I actually didn’t mind asking me out. I couldn’t say yes though. See, I had learned by him that he was married and separated from his wife. Now, for some women, this is not that big of a deal. He’s separated - sill married. Not living at home, and most importantly, not wearing his ring. But he had also told me that he wasn’t sure which direction they were going. So, there I was, stumped as to what to say. I told him I’d let him know the next day. That night I cried out to God so hard. The thing was this: I was trying to be more responsible with my heart. You know, trying not to get involved in unhealthy relationships. I saw the bigger picture. I’d go out with him, then I’d continue to go out with him, fall in love with him, then he’d go back to his wife. My cries to God were pure anguish. Wanting so bad to satisfy my desire, but knowing it would have been such a horrible decision for myself. So, I said no. He understood, but we both were disappointed. However, in spite of my 2 steps forward, I still found myself taking 3 steps back. I wound up spending a lot of time with Cole while at work. It became somewhat of a courtship. We’d meet every night in the cafeteria at 9:30 p.m. Monday-Thursday. And boy did we have a lot to talk about. Good conversation with the opposite sex was a lost love of mine. We formed a companionship with one another. Limiting our time shared to only work made me think I would be emotionally safe from falling for him. Yeah, ok, so I was wrong. We shared so much with one another during that period. But most of all, what really threw me was all of similarities between Cole and I. Our need for affection, our love for writing, the interest in photography, and both of our desires to live lives pleasing to God – which the latter was what kept us from being intimate. It really kinda blew my mind. And that’s how I got got. Just like that. There were countless sweet moments between Cole and I. Our love could have been so simple. He liked me and I liked him. But there was reality steadily staring us in the face. All the uncertainty had us stuck in the tracks. And so, the time came, when Cole decided to leave our job to focus on his marriage and family again.  I understood and hated it at the same time. I had to respect his decision.

March 21st was the date. Cole and I walked outside and I remember him looking up and closing his eyes as if he was seeking strength for something. He held me for some moments. I asked if I’d ever see or speak to him again. He never could give me a clear answer. That was understandable too. When he let me go and walked away, I walked away. At that moment, I hated life and the cards it’d just dealt me. 

Welcome to June. And I still miss him. I still cry at times because I miss what we never had. That’s life though, right? Still figuring the reasoning for the whole episode. Did he fall for me based on who I am or out of anger for his wife? No hard feelings though. Only love, prayers, and support from my way. I pray for he and his family often. Sometimes, in hopes it’ll help me get over him much sooner than later. Other times, I just want him to be happy and fulfilled – whether it’s with me or not. Still, the sweetness and innocence of getting to know Cole will probably never go away. I accept what it is, and what it’ll never be. But what it was will never change. And even in my heartbreak and disappointment, I’m grateful for that.