Ray and Dena. A Conversation, Part 1

Ray and Dena.
A Conversation:

I’d only modestly decorated my home. Still so much work to do. I decided Ray and I would talk in the den. It was almost complete and by far my favorite spot in the house to have wine. There are off white sheer curtains on the wall. And off white string lights hanging up under them. I loved how that combination always gave the area an intimate and relaxing feeling.
Watching myself in the bathroom mirror, my stomach began to turn. Jesus, It’s been almost 20 years since I’ve seen Ray. I faintly smiled. Slowing down the rhythm of brushing my hair. What will we talk about? Where do we pick up our conversation after so many years?
Ray had a way about him that was quiet but manly. The few times we hung out, I don’t remember ever having to over compensate. I never felt like I had to be more than who I was in the simplest form. The epitome of a fine gentleman. I was eager to hear about his life’s journey up to this point. My social media nosiness had done its part. I knew he was married with children, highly active in his church, and enjoyed sports. For the last 8 months which covered he and his spouse’s birthday, I hadn’t seen any declarations of love. I wondered if anything had had gone awry.
Just let him bring it up Dena.
My phone sounding off snapped me out of my thoughts.
It’s him.
Dena: Hey Ray. You almost here?
Ray: Yeah. I’m about to get off on your exit I think. I should be there in 5 or less.
Dena: Ok, cool. You have the food. I have the wine. We’re set.
Ray: Good. I can hear you smiling through the phone.
Dena: *Chuckling* Oh. Well, that’s a good thing. See ya when you get here.
Ray: Ok.
I hurried and finished brushing my hair. Sprayed some oil sheen on it. Adjusted my powder pink top over my grey tights. Threw my pink socks on.
I saw Ray’s headlights pull up in the driveway through my window in the office.
I walked down to the den and opened the door.
There he is.
Dena: Hey.
Yes. Now, I was smiling from ear to ear. And so was he.
I grabbed the bag of food and placed it on the sofa.
I turned around and pulled Ray in by his neck and just hugged him. I felt his arms wrap around me.
Ray: Hey Dena. It’s so good to see you.
I didn’t verbally respond. I placed my cheek next to his and took in his scent.
He kissed me on the cheek and embraced me again. I couldn’t believe it. Ray is here in the flesh. Never thought I’d see him again.
I realized that the hug was lingering so I broke it up.
Dena: Come. Have a seat at the table.
Ray: Oh. May I wash my hands?
Dena: Yes, of course. Let me show you where the bathroom is.
Wow. Still just as handsome. A few gray hairs makes him look even better. He’s a ‘Zaddy’ now.
I started giggling to myself.
Ray, coming up behind me startled me.
Ray: What are you giggling at?
Dena: Nothing, I said smiling. Have a seat at the table while I fix the wine.
I prepared some of my favorite red wine for us that I had shipped from Napa Valley.
Dena: We have a lot of to catch up on.
Ray: We do.
Sitting at the table now, I was able to just look at Ray in admiration.
Ray: Let’s unpack the food and get to eating! My road trip has me hungry.
Dena: Right. I’m starving.
Everything was laid out. Salmon, asparagus, and salads. Slices of chocolate cake for dessert.
Ray: Let’s say grace, Ray said as he held his hand out for me to place mine in his.
Lord, thank you for this food. Let it be nutritious to our bodies. Bless the hands and bodies that prepared it. Lord, thank for Dena and I’s friendship. Thank you for allowing us to reconnect. Thank you for our journeys – together and separately. Please let our conversation be pleasing to you and may our words to one another fill our hearts with an abundance of love and peace. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Dena: Amen. Thank you.
Ray: So. How are you? Like, for real, how are you?
Dena: Um, good days. Bad days. You know how it goes.
Ray: Yeah?
Dena: Yeah. No complaints though. I smile through it all. And you? How are you? How’s that baby girl of yours?
A big smile came across Ray’s face.
Ray: I’m good. She’s great. That’s my baby right there.
Dena: And that’s your twin. When I first saw a picture of her, I couldn’t get over how much she looked like you.
Ray: Yeah I know, he said laughing. I hear that almost every day.
Dena: I’m sure you do.
A moment of silence passed while we both were getting into our food.
Ray: So, when exactly was the last time we saw each other?
I just shook my head at first.
Dena: I have no idea. All I can tell you is early 2000s.
Ray: Had to be around 2002 or 2003.
Dena: Agreed.
Silence again.
Ray: Dena, I just wanna say I’m sorry for it not working out between us.
Dena: No, don’t even apologize. We were babies. We didn’t even live in the same town. It wasn’t gonna work. It’s ok. No bad feelings.
Ray: Yea, we had a few things working against us.
Dena: I think everything happened the way it was supposed to.
Ray: I think so too.
Dena: It’s so crazy. Do you remember how we met?
Ray: I think you were on a school trip or something, right?
Dena: I was! It was my sophomore year at Dougherty. It was a trip to St. Simon and Jeckyll Island.
Ray: Yeah, I thought you were cute.
I laughed out loud.
Dena: That’s funny. I used to have this picture of me on that day but it’s lost now. I still remember what I had on.
Ray: I don’t even remember that. What was it?
Dena: It was a blue jogging suit. Navy blue. I had a side bang and the rest was pulled back in a ponytail.
Ray: Dang!
Dena: Well, the hair is only because of the picture.
Ray: Oh ok, Ray said smiling.
I slowly took a sip of wine.
Dena: Things were so innocent back then.
Ray: Remember when we used to write each other all the time.
Dena: All. The. Time.
Ray: You still have my letters?
I looked up at Ray with a smirk on my face.
Dena: No. I think I threw them away once you got a new girlfriend.
Ray: Awe that’s messed up!
I laughed.
Dena: I mean what did you expect? And where are my letters?
Ray: Oh, I think that same girlfriend threw them away.
Dena: Of course she did!
Ray: And remember when you sang to me. What song was it again?
Dena: Oh my God! I literally can’t stand you right now for bringing that up! For the record it was a Monica song.
We both shared our laughs at that part of our past in unison.
Dena: You probably had all the girls back in the day huh?
Ray: No, no. I never played anybody.
Dena: Somehow, I believe that. I can agree that you were one of the good guys.
Ray: You still think that?
Taken aback by his question, I briefly fell quiet.
Dena: I don’t know. I’d have to get to know you all over again.
Ray looked down at his food and slowly finished his last two bites.
Dena: Not sure if we can explore that possibility. So I guess we’ll see.
For a brief moment, Ray and I stared at each other unsure of what was next. I could tell in his face that his heart was full of words but little direction on what to do with them. I wanted to ask about his wife. Were they still married? Is he divorced? Are they separated? But I silently calmed my anxious thoughts and reminded myself I’d let him bring it up. I found myself protective over him. I didn’t want to push any information to come out. Didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable. Wanted him to feel safe and at ease.
Dena: Looks like you’re finished. Why don’t you let me pour you more wine and have a seat on the sofa? I’ll join you in just a second after I put the dishes up.
Ray: Ok, thanks. You have a nice home Dena.
Dena: Thanks! Doing little by little. You know how that goes.
Ray: Yeah, I do. I know it can be exhausting.
I sat down beside him and handed him his glass. Turning my body towards his with my right leg propped up, I intentionally created enough distance between our bodies so they wouldn’t touch unless we reached out for one another.
Ray: So this is the house you grew up in?
Dena: Yep. A little young buck. We moved after my sophomore year.
Ray: So how do you feel being back in your home?
Dena: It’s the best feeling, honestly. In this weird way I kinda feel like I’m reclaiming a bit of my innocence back.
Ray: Really? Why do you say that?
Dena: Well, because for the most part, this home represents when everything was whole for me. I recently figured out that it was around the time I met you was when everything started going downhill.
Ray: I could never tell that by talking to you. And we wrote each other often – talked on the phone. I do remember us talking about your parent’s divorce a bit.
Dena: Yeah, I really don’t even remember talking about that with you. Some things are a blur for me at that time.
Ray: Oh, so now you don’t remember our conversations?!
I laughed.
Dena: No, no. I remember us talking a lot, but as far as the subject matter I don’t recall. Looking back, you were a safe space for me. Everything around me was falling apart. I was falling apart. And maybe subconsciously I just didn’t want to bring my drama into our world.
Ray: I see. Well, what was going on?
Dena: Man, a whole lot, I said smiling.
Dena: I was raped. Parents divorced. Found out –
Ray cut me off.
Ray: Wait. You were raped? When?
Dena: My sophomore year of high school.
Ray: Seriously?
Dena: Seriously.
Ray: So was this before or after we met?
Dena: I don’t remember. That happened on Halloween. I don’t know what month we met. It had to have been cold outside because I had on that jogging suit the day we met.
Ray: Wow. You never told me that.
Dena: I know.
Ray: Wish you would have.
Dena: I don’t.
Ray: Why?
Dena: Because I wouldn’t have wanted you to feel responsible to me. I would not have wanted you feel forced to stay with me.
Ray: But we were friends. I mean, we were more than that.
Dena: Yes, we were.
Ray: I’m sorry you went through that.
Dena: Thanks.
Ray reached over covering his hand with mine.
Dena: I’m good now. I then pulled my hand away pretending to have the need to hold on to my wine.
Ray: Did you ever get counseling?
Dena: Oh yes. For several years off and on. But that’s why I can say I know everything turned out the way it was supposed to.
Ray: What makes you so confident in that?
Dena: Because I was so incredibly broken during that time. Between the rape, the divorce, the estrangement with my dad.
I paused - taking a sip of wine before my next confession.
Dena: I was out in the world for a long time looking for love and affection from anyone who would give it to me. I would of put too much responsibility on you to make me happy. That wouldn’t of been fair. We probably would have been cool for a while, but ultimately I know now we would have failed. You deserved better than who I was at that time.
Ray sat silently for several moments. In his stillness, I felt such a relief to reveal these things to him.
He began his words slowly.
Ray: You know, I understand why you say that.
I faintly smiled at him.
Dena: Yes, I needed to protect our space. You were always so sweet to me. Never pressured me into anything. That was different for me. Different and nice. You were always perfect.
Ray: I’m not perfect Dena.
Dena: You’re not and you weren’t. But you were the perfect example for me to look to when it came to dating. I just didn’t realize it at the time. Or maybe I did. It took me a while to let you go. You on the other hand….
Ray: Awe come on. Don’t do me like that.
Dena: Yeah, whatever. I know I was probably a blip on your radar.
Ray: Not true Dena.
Dena: Ok. I’m just teasing you.
Ray: So what other big things happened in your life? I see on social media you stay on the road.
Dena: I’ve actually slowed down a bit. I gave you all the juicy stuff. Moved around a little. Did the big city thing. Now, I’m back home. And here we are.
Ray: And here we are.
Dena: Your turn.
Ray: I’m going to bore you.
Dena: Try me.
Ray: Dena.
Ray grabbed my hand and looked at me.
Ray: There’s so much I want to say. And coming here I thought it was the right time. And now, I’m not so sure.
Ok, I said, nodding my head.
Dena: There’s no pressure. I just – I really just want you to be happy. I wanted to reconnect with you. Make sure you’re doing ok. Make sure you were good.
Ray: I am. I’m good. I promise to call you soon and we’ll continue this conversation. You have my word Dena.
Dena: Ok Ray. I got you. No biggie.
Ray: It’s late.
Dena: Yeah, wow, 12:05. I’m sorry for rambling.
Ray: No. I’m glad we talked.
Dena: Me too.
Ray: He stood up. And I, after him.
Ray opened his arms wide and in turn I smiled ear to ear. Wanted to tell him I still loved him after all these years but I didn’t.
Ray: We’ll talk again soon. I promise.
Dena: Ok. Are you driving back tonight or you got a room?
Ray: I got a room. I’ll leave out in the morning.
Dena: Ok.
I embraced him once more taking in his scent and his energy. Ray kissed me on the forehead and let me go.
Dena: Call or text me when you make it to your room and again when you make it home tomorrow.
Ray: I will.
I opened the door and Ray left.
I sat back down on the sofa and grabbed my glass of wine. At that moment, I felt such a sadness come over me.
But none of my questions were answered. What has he been up to? What is his life like now? What kinds of things has he been through? Maybe I won’t see him again.
I grabbed my crème colored throw blanket, finished my glass of Roscato, threw my head back on the sofa, took in a few deep breaths, and closed my eyes.

Enjoy. This is my favorite short story I've written.

Zeke and Court

Today was one of those days where I felt like I have nothing left for myself. I gave all I had to my managers, my associates, and my peers. Days like today, it can be too much sometimes. As I was driving home around 11:15 tonight, I felt gratitude that my life is now filled with someone to share it with. It's fairly new, but it's been easy. I don't find myself having to explain my feelings a lot, because, well, he just gets it. I thought of the countless nights I've dreaded going home. The nights where my biggest goals were to take the quickest showers, get in the bed, pull the covers over my head, and hope the night went by fast so the loneliness would pass without my noticing. Yep, even if only for a short time, tonight was not one of those nights. And I was grateful for however long this season would last. I have to climb 3 flights of stairs to my spot. And after the type of day I had, I was definitely not going up with my heels on. I was barely able to pull it together for that 3rd flight of steps. I asked myself again, why did I choose the top floor again? Before I could answer myself with my own thoughts, I was at my door.

Food. He cooked food for me?

Zeke: Hey Court.
Court: Hi Zeke, how are you? You cooked?
He walked over and greeted me with a kiss on the cheek.
Zeke: Yea, I know you forgot your lunch today, so I just made some
pasta for you to fill you up before you went to bed.
Court: Aw, thank you so much.
Zeke: I know you're not too big on eating pasta this late, but I
figured you wouldn't mind this one time.

Little did he know I was so ready for some emotional eating right about now.

Court: I don't. Thank you. I have some wine in the fridge. Did you see it?
Zeke: Yep. I saw the Moscato. Is that your favorite?
Court: Don't know about it being my favorite, but I do like it a lot.
Zeke: Well, let me take your shoes out of your hand and if you want to
go ahead and take a bath or whatever, you can. The food is basically
done. I was just putting the bread in the oven. But you can go ahead
and get comfortable if you'd like. How was the drive home? It was
raining all day!
Court: Yes, it's nasty out there. You know, I love Georgia's summer
rain, just not enough to drive in it. But what choice do I have right
now?
Zeke: Yea, I know. Hopefully, I can help ease the burden of the
everyday hustle for you, my lady.
Court: Well, I think you're doing a great job so far!
Zeke: Why thank you!
Court: Ok, let me get comfortable. I'll be back.
Zeke: Bet.

He cooked for me? Ohhhh, my God. I was so hungry too. I hate eating our cafe's food at work. It's always looks old and greasy. Ah! Chicken Alfredo pasta. Man, I'm about to go in on this. Wow, I think this guy is
a keeper.

I took my time with my bath. Even though I had food waiting for me, I needed to smell the aromas of my new bath products to ease my mind. They'd almost become my drugs in the last several weeks. It's quite
relaxing to have soothing scents under your nose after a long day in the corporate world. Zeke and were not yet on a sexual level, so I just threw on a purple tank top and my favorite gray capri tights that
go just past my knee. Not usually what I'd sleep in, but it was still cute without giving too much away for a guy I still had a lot to learn about.

Zeke: You ready to grub?
Court: Yes sir, I am!
Zeke: You wanna eat in the living room, or outside?
Court: In here. We can go outside later if you want.
Zeke: Ok, cool.

He'd already fixed our plates. I did not have a dining room area in my 1 bedroom apt, so we sat on my sofa. He was on one end. I was on the other. We were facing each other with my legs intertwined with his. Our plates in our laps, and our glasses of wine sitting on top of each end table beside the sofa. His legs were slightly hanging off the sofa. I often joked with him about how lanky he is.

Court: So did you enjoy your day?
Zeke: It was nice to be off for a change.
Court: I bet. What did you do to today?
Zeke: Absolutely nothing! (Laughing)
Court: Don't you just love days like that?!
Zeke: Of course. Hey, when are you going to take some days off? I was
thinking we could go to the Botanical Garden downtown. I heard it's
nice.
Court: Oh yeah, I would love to do that. Did you know people get
married down there?
Zeke: I know. They save money because they don't have to pay for the
flowers. But then again, they probably charge a grip just to marry
there.
Court: Oh yeah, perfect reasoning! Well, I could take a vacation day
after we get done with Planning. It's kicking my butt right now. We'll
be done in 2 weeks though.
Zeke: Just think about how you're passed most of it. You started 3 months ago.
Court: True. So true.
Zeke: You wanna talk about your day?
Court: Nope, not really.
Zeke: No problem. I understand. I can see bags under your eyes. They
made you work hard for that money today huh?
Court: Haha. Yes, they did.
Zeke: It's ok. You're beautiful. You still look good to me.
Court: Gee thanks(with sarcasm). Me and my bags appreciate that.
Zeke: What? You do!
Court: Thank you, thank you. You know, this is food is pretty good.
Did you just order it and make it look like you cooked it?
Zeke: Oh wow! Really? No, I actually can cook a little bit.
Court: I'm just playing with you. You looked like you were sweating a
little in the kitchen when I got home.
Zeke: Whatever, man. I'm glad you like it.

For the remaining of our dinner, we were silent. Just eating. Just drinking. After we were both done, I grabbed both of our plates and glasses and threw them in the dishwasher.

Zeke: I'm going to go outside and smoke a black and mild. Is that ok?
Court: Yes, that's fine. That's about the only scent of smoke I can
actually tolerate. Do you mind if I join you in just a second?
Zeke: No, not at all. It's still raining, but I see you have a screen
up around the balcony so you won't get wet.
Court: Yes, that's was money well spent, huh?!
Zeke nodded a little with a slight laugh, and headed out of the door
to the balcony.

After wiping the kitchen down, I headed to the bathroom to see these bags under my eyes. Damn, I do look mad tired. This job is running my butt ragged. I hung my head after realizing again how unhappy I was in my career. I wish I could quit, travel the world, and then die happy. I reached in my bathroom closet and grabbed my favorite nighttime lotion and rubbed it on my collar bone and back of my neck. For some reason, this Warm Vanilla Sugar lotion helps me sleep like a baby. I found myself still consumed with worries from work. For this night though, at least just for a few moments, until the sun comes up again, I wasn't going to continue to worry myself with the world. And only concern myself with what's in front of me for now.

I grabbed a light blanket and headed outside. The rain was steady at this point. He looked nice with his cigar chilling on the swing chair.

Zeke: You made it out?
Court: Yea. I looked in the mirror. Zeke, I look pretty rough.
Zeke: You look perfectly fine. It's ok for you to look tired. Long
days are going to happen. I don't judge.
Court: Yeah?
Zeke: Yeah.
Court: Ok. I'm happy about that.
Zeke: You gonna sit down, or what?
Court: I don't really wanna sit down.
Zeke: Why not? What do you really wanna do then?
Court: Curl up in your lap with my blanket.
Zeke: You aint said nothing but a word. Come over then.
Court: Really? Awesome.

The moonlight shined in our direction. I sat sideways on his lap with
my feet tucked in the pillows on the end of the swing chair. I laid my
head in between his head and his shoulder and breathed in the cigar
smoke.
Zeke: Why did you buy a swing chair?
Court: My mama must have rocked me a lot as a baby, because swinging
soothes me to this day.
Zeke: I see.
Court: Thank you.
Zeke: For what?
Court: For being so sweet. And for allowing me to relax tonight. The
food, and being able to cuddle is doing alot for me right now.
Zeke: It's my pleasure. You smell really nice.
Court: I know I do.
Zeke: Oh, you know huh?
Zeke jerked his head back looking down at me with a smile.

Court: Yep, I know. I smell good on purpose. Just for you.
Zeke: For me? All for me?
Court: Yep.
Zeke: Cool. I appreciate that.

Moments went by without words being spoken. I took the moments in. Appreciating the affection being shown.

Zeke: You can fall asleep right here if you want.
Court: Ok, I think I will. I think I'm almost there babes. I feel like
I'm drifting.
Zeke: It's ok. You can drift. I got you. I know I must like you a lot
because I cooked for you. What are you going to cook for me next time
we hang out?

I remember Zeke asking me something about cooking, but I was in such a zone, I was unable to mutter a word to him at this point. All I could focus on was the sound of the rain. The cool breeze. The comfort of my favorite blanket. Zeke's arm around me. And that rocking chair. This was slight heaven for me.

And then, silence.

Just Wanted To Say Hello

This is not a drill. This isn't a page in one of my stories. What I saw from you today was real. Real communication. I've wondered much about whether what we had was true in heart or was it all just rose colored glasses. I've had many thoughts on how you could just walk away so easily from me. Did you really love me like you said you did? These things I'll probably never know. But to hear from you had my emotions mixed up. See, I know it's been about two years. Maybe you've changed. Maybe you haven't. But I know your patterns. It was me that was always waiting for you in the backroom during our season. Readily listening. Readily comforting. Always readily available and accessible to you - when things weren't quite right on the home front. 

And I remember everything. When I fell in love with you. I remember you loving me back. I remember making you laugh through your pain. I wanted to be your wife, the mother of your next child. Remember those talks? That makes me smile. But then my mind drifts to when you walked away. On more than one occasion. And how sad I felt. How broken I was. Forcing myself to still have good thoughts towards you. 

And now, your presence is felt again. "Just wanted to say hello." Is that it or do you wanna start over and try again? Did you wanna revisit the love? Or is this your pattern repeating once again in my life? Am I still only an after thought to you? When shit hits the fan is when I cross your mind?

For now, unless your heart yearns for more from mine, there's nothing to say. And if that's ever the case, we'll visit that space - maybe. But today, all that matters is that you walked away from me. You blocked me out of your life. You-----broke me. Someone you claimed to have loved. So therefore, my well being is no longer a concern of yours.

Hope you're well too.

Take Care.

The Heart Broke

So tonight is the night that I finally sit down, take a breather, and write a little. Reflect and share with whoever decides to read my words.

I’ve taken a long time to update my blog. The last year has been…well, “hard” would be an understatement. I moved to Chicago. Fallen out of love with Cole (see last blog on the Cole story), fell back in love with him, was heartbroken by him, and now I’m on this crooked and wayward journey to healing. Not really sure where I stand right now and some days I’m unsure of who I am anymore. Honestly, the only thing I identify with is brokenness – honestly. There are times where I believe I may eventually be ok, but there are times I feel like my heart is beyond repair. There are layers to these feelings.

So, here’s the story:

I never stopped missing Cole. I struggled to forget him. I tried making a place for him that was outside of my heart. I failed.

Last fall, in midst of trying to move on, I learned that my sister was in a relationship with a married man. Now, this confused the hell out of me because their relationship seemed to be flourishing. And I couldn’t wrap my head around why it seem as if her relationship was being blessed when there was no evidence of conviction in her spirit where I had desperately tried doing ‘what was right’ and it didn’t turn out in my favor. So, throughout the following winter, I crawled my way through letting Cole go. I began to go back and forth on what was right and wrong morally. I remember praying for strength so much regardless of what I was seeing around me. I tried building support through girlfriends, church, but nothing was keeping me away.

In July, shortly before a trip back home to Georgia, I found out Cole was getting a divorce. This is it, I thought. We can finally be together. I didn’t have to fight to stay away anymore. I could kiss him now without guilt. And we could make love. And we could be in love. So there he was in my life again. This time, without restrictions. And for several weeks, it was beautiful. I was happy that love was coming my way. The Lord was giving me what I wanted. No more resentment towards my sister’s relationship. I was in a happy place.

Before coming to Georgia, Cole and I spoke on the phone for several hours each day. Like a high school couple. And we made plans for the summer and for his birthday in August. I had a lot I was looking forward to.

The summer was going to be busy. My mom was planning to have an extensive back surgery, so most of my time back home was going to be filled with taking care of her. Well, on the day of her surgery (2^nd day of me being home), her last living brother passed away. So, not only am I dealing with helping my mom heal physically, but now, I have to be there for her to heal emotionally of losing another sibling and not being able to go to his funeral – all while taking two 6 credit classes during my last year of college.

Meanwhile, Cole and I connect. He comes over. And the relief of seeing him, and simply being able to touch and hug him without regard of who’s around was heaven for me. We did everything we wanted to. We did everything we’d been waiting to do for almost two years. But…..

Are you ready?

It all fell flat. All of it. The love. The intimacy. The timing. As soon as the intimacy came, things immediately took a turn for the worst. And my emotions went completely haywire. There is no one reason. Simply put, he wasn’t ready. That’s the only way I can sum it all up. I think he was embarrassed because the sex was not as great as expected. Nowhere near how we'd imagined. I think he had an epitome that we’d just moved way too fast, way too soon. Cole expressed that he wanted to slow down – to the point that we’d not talk on the phone as much. I became insecure because, I don’t know, maybe because I’d just slept with him (<-sarcasm). In reluctant agreement, I said ok – only to see weeks later he’d began talking on the phone with another woman for hours at a time in a friendship that didn’t look strictly platonic.

Needless to say, I went ballistic. Not to the point of cutting him or scratching his car. But I damn sure wanted to. He denied it but the proof was right in my face. So for weeks, I raised hell with him. Expressing my feelings and hurt, hitting below the belt at times. The communication was rough. It was hard to have a simple conversation with him. It was clear that he no longer wanted me around. We saw each other before I left. We fooled around, and still afterwards, he was not interested in talking again. This was the moment I felt degraded. I felt my feelings were dismissed.

But there I was still fighting for something that had withered away. In spite of my feelings, I still bought him birthday gift, wrote him a letter, and sent it all off to him before coming back to Chicago. We spoke a few times when I got back home. Always me calling him, never the other way around. In our last conversation, I asked if we could go back to communicating on the regular basis because I needed him – even as a friend. I wanted him to consider how I’d been there for him, even when I knew it was best not to be. But he said no. I asked if we could revisit the relationship status, and he wasn’t feeling it.

Cole was a stranger to me now. All the time I’d loved him. Sacrificed my emotional well being to be there for him – none of it matter to him. My heart was on the floor. All the prayers had seemed to fall on deaf ears of God. The level of rejection I felt was at the highest level. I felt thrown away, unwanted, dismissed, and not worth shit.

I finally decided to stop embarrassing myself and begin to let go. For four months, I cried every single day for several times a day. I was filled with anger, regret, and confusion. Everyone around me had let me down. The friends I depended on were m.i.a. The One I prayed to for strength seemed to disappear. And the man I loved, didn’t love me back. Soon after, my sister and her newly divorced boo were now married. This only added to the heartbreak.

I was alone and depressed. It had been so long since I’d been in love and in a longterm relationship that I realized that I held on to Cole so tightly partly because I wanted to somehow prove to myself that I was normal. That I was desirable and that there was at least one man out there that wanted me.

I was in a bad place. I try not to play the blame game. I was unwise dealing with him in so many ways. I ignored the warning signs because I was in love. I always saw the best in him saw the worst through my rose colored glasses. I’d like to think that I’m on the tail end of this current sadness. But I don’t know. All I do know is that I’m searching for healing. I’m looking to be complete and whole. Not a façade of it. And I can only hope that the next time I write, I’ll be in that place – that happy place I’m so desperate for. Single or in love, as long as my worth has been replenished and my soul has been renewed. That’s all I really long for.

Until next time.

March 21st, 2013

Maybe I don’t blog as much because of the waves of feelings of being so vulnerable to the world. Still, it’s therapy. And it’s needed. Today, I was feeling blue. Stupid weather. Thoughts of an old love consumed my mind today. So here I am – figuring, why not blog about it, eh? This love was bitter sweet. Already, it’s inspired many short stories of mine, daydreams, and a many gloomy days of missing this special love. Anyways, here’s the story:

After sparking up a conversation with Cole (yes, Cole is what I’ll call him for the sake of this post), somehow I instantly knew that it wouldn’t take much to fall for him. And to this day, I can’t figure out how I knew that - after only one conversation. It wasn’t his clothing. I mean, he was cute, but it wasn’t that either. Maybe it was his spirit and demeanor. Just cool, simple, and sincere. So when Cole asked me out on a date, I was taken aback, really. I couldn’t remember the last time I was asked out on a date by a guy I actually didn’t mind asking me out. I couldn’t say yes though. See, I had learned by him that he was married and separated from his wife. Now, for some women, this is not that big of a deal. He’s separated - sill married. Not living at home, and most importantly, not wearing his ring. But he had also told me that he wasn’t sure which direction they were going. So, there I was, stumped as to what to say. I told him I’d let him know the next day. That night I cried out to God so hard. The thing was this: I was trying to be more responsible with my heart. You know, trying not to get involved in unhealthy relationships. I saw the bigger picture. I’d go out with him, then I’d continue to go out with him, fall in love with him, then he’d go back to his wife. My cries to God were pure anguish. Wanting so bad to satisfy my desire, but knowing it would have been such a horrible decision for myself. So, I said no. He understood, but we both were disappointed. However, in spite of my 2 steps forward, I still found myself taking 3 steps back. I wound up spending a lot of time with Cole while at work. It became somewhat of a courtship. We’d meet every night in the cafeteria at 9:30 p.m. Monday-Thursday. And boy did we have a lot to talk about. Good conversation with the opposite sex was a lost love of mine. We formed a companionship with one another. Limiting our time shared to only work made me think I would be emotionally safe from falling for him. Yeah, ok, so I was wrong. We shared so much with one another during that period. But most of all, what really threw me was all of similarities between Cole and I. Our need for affection, our love for writing, the interest in photography, and both of our desires to live lives pleasing to God – which the latter was what kept us from being intimate. It really kinda blew my mind. And that’s how I got got. Just like that. There were countless sweet moments between Cole and I. Our love could have been so simple. He liked me and I liked him. But there was reality steadily staring us in the face. All the uncertainty had us stuck in the tracks. And so, the time came, when Cole decided to leave our job to focus on his marriage and family again.  I understood and hated it at the same time. I had to respect his decision.

March 21^st was the date. Cole and I walked outside and I remember him looking up and closing his eyes as if he was seeking strength for something. He held me for some moments. I asked if I’d ever see or speak to him again. He never could give me a clear answer. That was understandable too. When he let me go and walked away, I walked away. At that moment, I hated life and the cards it’d just dealt me. 

Welcome to June. And I still miss him. I still cry at times because I miss what we never had. That’s life though, right? Still figuring the reasoning for the whole episode. Did he fall for me based on who I am or out of anger for his wife? No hard feelings though. Only love, prayers, and support from my way. I pray for he and his family often. Sometimes, in hopes it’ll help me get over him much sooner than later. Other times, I just want him to be happy and fulfilled – whether it’s with me or not. Still, the sweetness and innocence of getting to know Cole will probably never go away. I accept what it is, and what it’ll never be. But what it was will never change. And even in my heartbreak and disappointment, I’m grateful for that.

Anxiety Affects

For the writers out there, blogging is all about the therapy it brings to your life? Well, here I am again with full heart. I know I could never spill every single detail of my feelings to you, but at least most.

I recently had an enlightening moment. It was funny because I'm always quick to tell someone that their sh*t stinks...but man oh man, for the first time in a long time the other day, I smelled myself. Ironically enough, it was while I was typing an email to a good friend of mine. We were discussing my perceptions of being judged and her not being there for me during a recent situation in my life. I make it obvious that I take friendship pretty seriously. I believe in love and loyalty. But when a friend hurts me, it really knocks me down a couple of notches. And it seems to take awhile to actually get over that. I've been disheartened because I've known that my expectations were way off when it has come to my friends. And I been desperate to get them back in the right place.

So, my revelation was that my unfair expectations stem from fear and anxiety. See, you're going to laugh. Not really, but keep reading. Ok, I have this fear that maybe, just maybe, I really won't get married. Or have children one day. And just die alone. And so, because of that fear, I'm a die-hard friend. Because of that fear, I've found myself desperately holding on to friendships, because in my mind, that may be all I'll ever have. And I have expected for my friends to be the same way towards me. I've expected for them to hold on to me the way I hold on to them. Tough realization. My fuzzy pictures of why other friendships have ended in recent years, and most of all, why I haven't able to let go suddenly became crystal clear.

From there, I realized that the anxiety and fear needs to be dealt with by God. And I haven't allowed Him to do that. I have put so many expectations into friendships, that ultimately what I was doing was taking myself away from Him. And we all know what the Bible says about idols, right?

Jonah 2:8 Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs

I believe most if us think of money, cars, and clothes when we think of idols. Not so. An idol is any and everything that takes the place of God. Your fabulous home, great job, that fine man of your, that sexy lady you're dating with the big booty, children, and yes, your friends. Anything you find security in.

So, right now, I need to strengthen my faith that God will indeed bless me with the desires of my heart. The life partner and family. I have to find my security in Him, and not look for it in those around us. Quite frankly, anxiety will have your life screwed up. When you're always worrying, you think differently, speak differently, make unwise decisions, and clingy. It's a turn off and not a good look.

Identifying it was my first step, what next?

Let Me Let Go...In My Own Time

I watched one of my favorite shows tonight called “Braxton Family Values”. And for the first 15-20 minutes, I couldn’t stop crying. The Braxton sisters were having a “truth” session. And as the saying goes, it definitely did some hurting. Traci, one of the middle sisters was finally able to get the bottom line of her anger across to the rest of girls. Traci had been harboring anger with the rest of her siblings for over 15 years due to missing out on a record deal in the 1990s. No one seemed to realize just how deep her anger was rooted. She said that she had tried to express herself before, but her feelings fell on deaf ears.

The thing with families is that many, if not most do not talk about their true feelings on situations. Our families are supposed to be our safe havens, yet so often they are the main ones that tend to judge the harshest and give you the least amount of support. Your family should be the main people you can talk about your deepest fears and concerns. They are indeed the ones we long for the most understanding from. Trina, another middle Braxton sister emphasized her disbelief on the length of time of Traci’s anger.  Sometimes, I think we all fail to remember that everyone is different. Everyone has their own healing clocks. You can’t expect for someone to heal from something in your time. That’s not fair. What may not affect you may affect someone close you in a completely different way.  That’s something that is easy to forget.

I remember when my parents divorced; I reacted so differently from everyone else. People said, “Get over it. It had nothing to do with you. You were just a child….” Well, we have different emotions about different people in our lives. And sometimes, when you force yourself to feel things on someone else’s clock, disaster ensues. “I AM NOT YOU. AND YOU ARE NOT ME.” It’s a simple concept that’s hard to grasp when you’re emotionally immature.

I had to get to my own place of forgiveness and reconciliation, but in my time. We all have to allow ourselves to do the same. We should allow those we love and care about similar respect. If it takes you a little bit longer to heal from hurt, that’s ok. Making daily progress to get where you need to be is always what’s best FOR YOU.

XO,

RebelliousButterfly