Monday, April 25, 2016

Just Wanted To Say Hello

This is not a drill. This isn't a page in one of my stories. What I saw from you today was real. Real communication. I've wondered much about whether what we had was true in heart or was it all just rose colored glasses. I've had many thoughts on how you could just walk away so easily from me. Did you really love me like you said you did? These things I'll probably never know. But to hear from you had my emotions mixed up. See, I know it's been about two years. Maybe you've changed. Maybe you haven't. But I know your patterns. It was me that was always waiting for you in the backroom during our season. Readily listening. Readily comforting. Always readily available and accessible to you - when things weren't quite right on the home front. 


And I remember everything. When I fell in love with you. I remember you loving me back. I remember making you laugh through your pain. I wanted to be your wife, the mother of your next child. Remember those talks? That makes me smile. But then my mind drifts to when you walked away. On more than one occasion. And how sad I felt. How broken I was. Forcing myself to still have good thoughts towards you. 


And now, your presence is felt again. "Just wanted to say hello." Is that it or do you wanna start over and try again? Did you wanna revisit the love? Or is this your pattern repeating once again in my life? Am I still only an after thought to you? When shit hits the fan is when I cross your mind?


For now, unless your heart yearns for more from mine, there's nothing to say. And if that's ever the case, we'll visit that space - maybe. But today, all that matters is that you walked away from me. You blocked me out of your life. You-----broke me. Someone you claimed to have loved. So therefore, my well being is no longer a concern of yours.


Hope you're well too.


Take Care.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

The Heart Broke

So tonight is the night that I finally sit down, take a breather, and write a little. Reflect and share with whoever decides to read my words.

I’ve taken a long time to update my blog. The last year has been…well, “hard” would be an understatement. I moved to Chicago. Fallen out of love with Cole (see last blog on the Cole story), fell back in love with him, was heartbroken by him, and now I’m on this crooked and wayward journey to healing. Not really sure where I stand right now and some days I’m unsure of who I am anymore. Honestly, the only thing I identify with is brokenness – honestly. There are times where I believe I may eventually be ok, but there are times I feel like my heart is beyond repair. There are layers to these feelings.

So, here’s the story:

I never stopped missing Cole. I struggled to forget him. I tried making a place for him that was outside of my heart. I failed.

Last fall, in midst of trying to move on, I learned that my sister was in a relationship with a married man. Now, this confused the hell out of me because their relationship seemed to be flourishing. And I couldn’t wrap my head around why it seem as if her relationship was being blessed when there was no evidence of conviction in her spirit where I had desperately tried doing ‘what was right’ and it didn’t turn out in my favor. So, throughout the following winter, I crawled my way through letting Cole go. I began to go back and forth on what was right and wrong morally. I remember praying for strength so much regardless of what I was seeing around me. I tried building support through girlfriends, church, but nothing was keeping me away.

In July, shortly before a trip back home to Georgia, I found out Cole was getting a divorce. This is it, I thought. We can finally be together. I didn’t have to fight to stay away anymore. I could kiss him now without guilt. And we could make love. And we could be in love. So there he was in my life again. This time, without restrictions. And for several weeks, it was beautiful. I was happy that love was coming my way. The Lord was giving me what I wanted. No more resentment towards my sister’s relationship. I was in a happy place.

Before coming to Georgia, Cole and I spoke on the phone for several hours each day. Like a high school couple. And we made plans for the summer and for his birthday in August. I had a lot I was looking forward to.

The summer was going to be busy. My mom was planning to have an extensive back surgery, so most of my time back home was going to be filled with taking care of her. Well, on the day of her surgery (2nd day of me being home), her last living brother passed away. So, not only am I dealing with helping my mom heal physically, but now, I have to be there for her to heal emotionally of losing another sibling and not being able to go to his funeral – all while taking two 6 credit classes during my last year of college.

Meanwhile, Cole and I connect. He comes over. And the relief of seeing him, and simply being able to touch and hug him without regard of who’s around was heaven for me. We did everything we wanted to. We did everything we’d been waiting to do for almost two years. But…..

Are you ready?

It all fell flat. All of it. The love. The sex. The timing. As soon as we slept together, things immediately took a turn for the worst. And my emotions went completely haywire. There is no one reason. Simply put, he wasn’t ready. That’s the only way I can sum it all up. I think he was embarrassed because the sex was not as great as expected. Nowhere near how we'd imagined. I think he had an epitome that we’d just moved way too fast, way too soon. Cole expressed that he wanted to slow down – to the point that we’d not talk on the phone as much. I became insecure because, I don’t know, maybe because I’d just slept with him (<-sarcasm). In reluctant agreement, I said ok – only to see weeks later he’d began talking on the phone with another woman for hours at a time in a friendship that didn’t look strictly platonic.
Needless to say, I went ballistic. Not to the point of cutting him or scratching his car. But I damn sure wanted to. He denied it but the proof was right in my face. So for weeks, I raised hell with him. Expressing my feelings and hurt, hitting below the belt at times. The communication was rough. It was hard to have a simple conversation with him. It was clear that he no longer wanted me around. We saw each other before I left. We fooled around, and still afterwards, he was not interested in talking again. This was the moment I felt degraded. I had just (you know), all to satisfy him…and my feelings were dismissed.

But there I was still fighting for something that had withered away. In spite of my feelings, I still bought him birthday gift, wrote him a letter, and sent it all off to him before coming back to Chicago. We spoke a few times when I got back home. Always me calling him, never the other way around. In our last conversation, I asked if we could get back to communicating on the regular basis because I needed him – even as a friend. I wanted him to consider how I’d been there for him, even when I knew it was best not to be. But he said no. I asked if we could revisit the relationship status, and he wasn’t feeling it.

Cole was a stranger to me now. All the time I’d loved him. Sacrificed my emotional well being to be there for him – none of it matter to him. My heart was on the floor. All the prayers had seemed to fall on deaf ears of God. The level of rejection I felt was at the highest level. I felt thrown away, unwanted, dismissed, and not worth shit.

I finally decided to stop embarrassing myself and begin to let go. For four months, I cried every single day for several times a day. I was filled with anger, regret, and confusion. Everyone around me had let me down. The friends I depended on were m.i.a. The One I prayed to for strength seemed to disappear. And the man I loved, didn’t love me back. Soon after, my sister and her newly divorced boo were now married. This only added to the heartbreak.

I was alone and depressed. It had been so long since I’d been in love and in a longterm relationship that I realized that I held on to Cole so tightly partly because I wanted to somehow prove to myself that I was normal. That I was desirable and that there was at least one man out there that wanted me.
I was in a bad place. I try not to play the blame game. I was unwise dealing with him in so many ways. I ignored the warning signs because I was in love. I always saw the best in him saw the worst through my rose colored glasses. I’d like to think that I’m on the tail end of this current sadness. But I don’t know. All I do know is that I’m searching for healing. I’m looking to be complete and whole. Not a fa├žade of it. And I can only hope that the next time I write, I’ll be in that place – that happy place I’m so desperate for. Single or in love, as long as my worth has been replenished and my soul has been renewed. That’s all I really long for.


Until next time.

Friday, June 7, 2013

March 21st, 2013

Maybe I don’t blog as much because of the waves of feelings of being so vulnerable to the world. Still, it’s therapy. And it’s needed. Today, I was feeling blue. Stupid weather. Thoughts of an old love consumed my mind today. So here I am – figuring, why not blog about it, eh? This love was bitter sweet. Already, it’s inspired many short stories of mine, daydreams, and a many gloomy days of missing this special love. Anyways, here’s the story:

After sparking up a conversation with Cole (yes, Cole is what I’ll call him for the sake of this post), somehow I instantly knew that it wouldn’t take much to fall for him. And to this day, I can’t figure out how I knew that - after only one conversation. It wasn’t his clothing. I mean, he was cute, but it wasn’t that either. Maybe it was his spirit and demeanor. Just cool, simple, and sincere. So when Cole asked me out on a date, I was taken aback, really. I couldn’t remember the last time I was asked out on a date by a guy I actually didn’t mind asking me out. I couldn’t say yes though. See, I had learned by him that he was married and separated from his wife. Now, for some women, this is not that big of a deal. He’s separated - sill married. Not living at home, and most importantly, not wearing his ring. But he had also told me that he wasn’t sure which direction they were going. So, there I was, stumped as to what to say. I told him I’d let him know the next day. That night I cried out to God so hard. The thing was this: I was trying to be more responsible with my heart. You know, trying not to get involved in unhealthy relationships. I saw the bigger picture. I’d go out with him, then I’d continue to go out with him, fall in love with him, then he’d go back to his wife. My cries to God were pure anguish. Wanting so bad to satisfy my desire, but knowing it would have been such a horrible decision for myself. So, I said no. He understood, but we both were disappointed. However, in spite of my 2 steps forward, I still found myself taking 3 steps back. I wound up spending a lot of time with Cole while at work. It became somewhat of a courtship. We’d meet every night in the cafeteria at 9:30 p.m. Monday-Thursday. And boy did we have a lot to talk about. Good conversation with the opposite sex was a lost love of mine. We formed a companionship with one another. Limiting our time shared to only work made me think I would be emotionally safe from falling for him. Yeah, ok, so I was wrong. We shared so much with one another during that period. But most of all, what really threw me was all of similarities between Cole and I. Our need for affection, our love for writing, the interest in photography, and both of our desires to live lives pleasing to God – which the latter was what kept us from being intimate. It really kinda blew my mind. And that’s how I got got. Just like that. There were countless sweet moments between Cole and I. Our love could have been so simple. He liked me and I liked him. But there was reality steadily staring us in the face. All the uncertainty had us stuck in the tracks. And so, the time came, when Cole decided to leave our job to focus on his marriage and family again.  I understood and hated it at the same time. I had to respect his decision.

March 21st was the date. Cole and I walked outside and I remember him looking up and closing his eyes as if he was seeking strength for something. He held me for some moments. I asked if I’d ever see or speak to him again. He never could give me a clear answer. That was understandable too. When he let me go and walked away, I walked away. At that moment, I hated life and the cards it’d just dealt me. 

Welcome to June. And I still miss him. I still cry at times because I miss what we never had. That’s life though, right? Still figuring the reasoning for the whole episode. Did he fall for me based on who I am or out of anger for his wife? No hard feelings though. Only love, prayers, and support from my way. I pray for he and his family often. Sometimes, in hopes it’ll help me get over him much sooner than later. Other times, I just want him to be happy and fulfilled – whether it’s with me or not. Still, the sweetness and innocence of getting to know Cole will probably never go away. I accept what it is, and what it’ll never be. But what it was will never change. And even in my heartbreak and disappointment, I’m grateful for that.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Anxiety Affects

For the writers out there, blogging is all about the therapy it brings to your life? Well, here I am again with full heart. I know I could never spill every single detail of my feelings to you, but at least most.

I recently had an enlightening moment. It was funny because I'm always quick to tell someone that their sh*t stinks...but man oh man, for the first time in a long time the other day, I smelled myself. Ironically enough, it was while I was typing an email to a good friend of mine. We were discussing my perceptions of being judged and her not being there for me during a recent situation in my life. I make it obvious that I take friendship pretty seriously. I believe in love and loyalty. But when a friend hurts me, it really knocks me down a couple of notches. And it seems to take awhile to actually get over that. I've been disheartened because I've known that my expectations were way off when it has come to my friends. And I been desperate to get them back in the right place.

So, my revelation was that my unfair expectations stem from fear and anxiety. See, you're going to laugh. Not really, but keep reading. Ok, I have this fear that maybe, just maybe, I really won't get married. Or have children one day. And just die alone. And so, because of that fear, I'm a die-hard friend. Because of that fear, I've found myself desperately holding on to friendships, because in my mind, that may be all I'll ever have. And I have expected for my friends to be the same way towards me. I've expected for them to hold on to me the way I hold on to them. Tough realization. My fuzzy pictures of why other friendships have ended in recent years, and most of all, why I haven't able to let go suddenly became crystal clear.

From there, I realized that the anxiety and fear needs to be dealt with by God. And I haven't allowed Him to do that. I have put so many expectations into friendships, that ultimately what I was doing was taking myself away from Him. And we all know what the Bible says about idols, right?

Jonah 2:8 Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs

I believe most if us think of money, cars, and clothes when we think of idols. Not so. An idol is any and everything that takes the place of God. Your fabulous home, great job, that fine man of your, that sexy lady you're dating with the big booty, children, and yes, your friends. Anything you find security in.

So, right now, I need to strengthen my faith that God will indeed bless me with the desires of my heart. The life partner and family. I have to find my security in Him, and not look for it in those around us. Quite frankly, anxiety will have your life screwed up. When you're always worrying, you think differently, speak differently, make unwise decisions, and clingy. It's a turn off and not a good look.

Identifying it was my first step, what next?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Let Me Let Go...In My Own Time

I watched one of my favorite shows tonight called “Braxton Family Values”. And for the first 15-20 minutes, I couldn’t stop crying. The Braxton sisters were having a “truth” session. And as the saying goes, it definitely did some hurting. Traci, one of the middle sisters was finally able to get the bottom line of her anger across to the rest of girls. Traci had been harboring anger with the rest of her siblings for over 15 years due to missing out on a record deal in the 1990s. No one seemed to realize just how deep her anger was rooted. She said that she had tried to express herself before, but her feelings fell on deaf ears.
The thing with families is that many, if not most do not talk about their true feelings on situations. Our families are supposed to be our safe havens, yet so often they are the main ones that tend to judge the harshest and give you the least amount of support. Your family should be the main people you can talk about your deepest fears and concerns. They are indeed the ones we long for the most understanding from. Trina, another middle Braxton sister emphasized her disbelief on the length of time of Traci’s anger.  Sometimes, I think we all fail to remember that everyone is different. Everyone has their own healing clocks. You can’t expect for someone to heal from something in your time. That’s not fair. What may not affect you may affect someone close you in a completely different way.  That’s something that is easy to forget.
I remember when my parents divorced; I reacted so differently from everyone else. People said, “Get over it. It had nothing to do with you. You were just a child….” Well, we have different emotions about different people in our lives. And sometimes, when you force yourself to feel things on someone else’s clock, disaster ensues. “I AM NOT YOU. AND YOU ARE NOT ME.” It’s a simple concept that’s hard to grasp when you’re emotionally immature.
I had to get to my own place of forgiveness and reconciliation, but in my time. We all have to allow ourselves to do the same. We should allow those we love and care about similar respect. If it takes you a little bit longer to heal from hurt, that’s ok. Making daily progress to get where you need to be is always what’s best FOR YOU.

XO,

RebelliousButterfly

Sunday, January 22, 2012

My Heart of Hearts

Ironically enough, I had already signed up for this blog months before it was a requirement for a class. I had never actually put my first blog up because I didn't force myself to sit and contemplate on what the heck to talk about. So when that moment finally came, I sat up one night asking myself what exactly I am passionate about. I remember feeling a little frustrated as I thought of all my friends who were so sure of themselves and their own passions. I, on the other hand, was always on the opposite end of that spectrum. Then I wondered, what is it that I ramble on the most about to my best friends? Well, I thought, I do talk a lot about friendships, how important they are to me, family dynamics, people I work with, and how often I try to maintain drama free environments in all areas of my life. That’s it – I think! Man, can I really blog about relationships. I mean, is that weird or something? Would I run out of things to say? But, hey, I figured, why not?!

While science, money, and career rule other people’s lives, relationships rule mine. On the verge of turning the big “dirty 30” club in a few weeks, I’ve watched myself evolve through pain in family relationships, have more failures than successes in romantic relationships, and strengthen my character through learning to work through conflicts on the job. Welcome to my heart. Welcome to my thoughts and my reflections. I hope that you should learn through my past experiences, and open to learning from my future ones. These are the very things that tickle my fancy. Successful relationships are what I find that I thrive off of. A little different from most, I suppose. But I’m ok with that. I hope you are too.

XO,

RebelliousButterfly