I recently had an enlightening moment. It was funny because I'm always quick to tell someone that their sh*t stinks...but man oh man, for the first time in a long time the other day, I smelled myself. Ironically enough, it was while I was typing an email to a good friend of mine. We were discussing my perceptions of being judged and her not being there for me during a recent situation in my life. I make it obvious that I take friendship pretty seriously. I believe in love and loyalty. But when a friend hurts me, it really knocks me down a couple of notches. And it seems to take awhile to actually get over that. I've been disheartened because I've known that my expectations were way off when it has come to my friends. And I been desperate to get them back in the right place.
So, my revelation was that my unfair expectations stem from fear and anxiety. See, you're going to laugh. Not really, but keep reading. Ok, I have this fear that maybe, just maybe, I really won't get married. Or have children one day. And just die alone. And so, because of that fear, I'm a die-hard friend. Because of that fear, I've found myself desperately holding on to friendships, because in my mind, that may be all I'll ever have. And I have expected for my friends to be the same way towards me. I've expected for them to hold on to me the way I hold on to them. Tough realization. My fuzzy pictures of why other friendships have ended in recent years, and most of all, why I haven't able to let go suddenly became crystal clear.
From there, I realized that the anxiety and fear needs to be dealt with by God. And I haven't allowed Him to do that. I have put so many expectations into friendships, that ultimately what I was doing was taking myself away from Him. And we all know what the Bible says about idols, right?
Jonah 2:8 Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs
I believe most if us think of money, cars, and clothes when we think of idols. Not so. An idol is any and everything that takes the place of God. Your fabulous home, great job, that fine man of your, that sexy lady you're dating with the big booty, children, and yes, your friends. Anything you find security in.
So, right now, I need to strengthen my faith that God will indeed bless me with the desires of my heart. The life partner and family. I have to find my security in Him, and not look for it in those around us. Quite frankly, anxiety will have your life screwed up. When you're always worrying, you think differently, speak differently, make unwise decisions, and clingy. It's a turn off and not a good look.
Identifying it was my first step, what next?