Thursday, July 5, 2012

Anxiety Affects

For the writers out there, blogging is all about the therapy it brings to your life? Well, here I am again with full heart. I know I could never spill every single detail of my feelings to you, but at least most.

I recently had an enlightening moment. It was funny because I'm always quick to tell someone that their sh*t stinks...but man oh man, for the first time in a long time the other day, I smelled myself. Ironically enough, it was while I was typing an email to a good friend of mine. We were discussing my perceptions of being judged and her not being there for me during a recent situation in my life. I make it obvious that I take friendship pretty seriously. I believe in love and loyalty. But when a friend hurts me, it really knocks me down a couple of notches. And it seems to take awhile to actually get over that. I've been disheartened because I've known that my expectations were way off when it has come to my friends. And I been desperate to get them back in the right place.

So, my revelation was that my unfair expectations stem from fear and anxiety. See, you're going to laugh. Not really, but keep reading. Ok, I have this fear that maybe, just maybe, I really won't get married. Or have children one day. And just die alone. And so, because of that fear, I'm a die-hard friend. Because of that fear, I've found myself desperately holding on to friendships, because in my mind, that may be all I'll ever have. And I have expected for my friends to be the same way towards me. I've expected for them to hold on to me the way I hold on to them. Tough realization. My fuzzy pictures of why other friendships have ended in recent years, and most of all, why I haven't able to let go suddenly became crystal clear.

From there, I realized that the anxiety and fear needs to be dealt with by God. And I haven't allowed Him to do that. I have put so many expectations into friendships, that ultimately what I was doing was taking myself away from Him. And we all know what the Bible says about idols, right?

Jonah 2:8 Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs

I believe most if us think of money, cars, and clothes when we think of idols. Not so. An idol is any and everything that takes the place of God. Your fabulous home, great job, that fine man of your, that sexy lady you're dating with the big booty, children, and yes, your friends. Anything you find security in.

So, right now, I need to strengthen my faith that God will indeed bless me with the desires of my heart. The life partner and family. I have to find my security in Him, and not look for it in those around us. Quite frankly, anxiety will have your life screwed up. When you're always worrying, you think differently, speak differently, make unwise decisions, and clingy. It's a turn off and not a good look.

Identifying it was my first step, what next?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Let Me Let Go...In My Own Time

I watched one of my favorite shows tonight called “Braxton Family Values”. And for the first 15-20 minutes, I couldn’t stop crying. The Braxton sisters were having a “truth” session. And as the saying goes, it definitely did some hurting. Traci, one of the middle sisters was finally able to get the bottom line of her anger across to the rest of girls. Traci had been harboring anger with the rest of her siblings for over 15 years due to missing out on a record deal in the 1990s. No one seemed to realize just how deep her anger was rooted. She said that she had tried to express herself before, but her feelings fell on deaf ears.
The thing with families is that many, if not most do not talk about their true feelings on situations. Our families are supposed to be our safe havens, yet so often they are the main ones that tend to judge the harshest and give you the least amount of support. Your family should be the main people you can talk about your deepest fears and concerns. They are indeed the ones we long for the most understanding from. Trina, another middle Braxton sister emphasized her disbelief on the length of time of Traci’s anger.  Sometimes, I think we all fail to remember that everyone is different. Everyone has their own healing clocks. You can’t expect for someone to heal from something in your time. That’s not fair. What may not affect you may affect someone close you in a completely different way.  That’s something that is easy to forget.
I remember when my parents divorced; I reacted so differently from everyone else. People said, “Get over it. It had nothing to do with you. You were just a child….” Well, we have different emotions about different people in our lives. And sometimes, when you force yourself to feel things on someone else’s clock, disaster ensues. “I AM NOT YOU. AND YOU ARE NOT ME.” It’s a simple concept that’s hard to grasp when you’re emotionally immature.
I had to get to my own place of forgiveness and reconciliation, but in my time. We all have to allow ourselves to do the same. We should allow those we love and care about similar respect. If it takes you a little bit longer to heal from hurt, that’s ok. Making daily progress to get where you need to be is always what’s best FOR YOU.



Sunday, January 22, 2012

My Heart of Hearts

Ironically enough, I had already signed up for this blog months before it was a requirement for a class. I had never actually put my first blog up because I didn't force myself to sit and contemplate on what the heck to talk about. So when that moment finally came, I sat up one night asking myself what exactly I am passionate about. I remember feeling a little frustrated as I thought of all my friends who were so sure of themselves and their own passions. I, on the other hand, was always on the opposite end of that spectrum. Then I wondered, what is it that I ramble on the most about to my best friends? Well, I thought, I do talk a lot about friendships, how important they are to me, family dynamics, people I work with, and how often I try to maintain drama free environments in all areas of my life. That’s it – I think! Man, can I really blog about relationships. I mean, is that weird or something? Would I run out of things to say? But, hey, I figured, why not?!

While science, money, and career rule other people’s lives, relationships rule mine. On the verge of turning the big “dirty 30” club in a few weeks, I’ve watched myself evolve through pain in family relationships, have more failures than successes in romantic relationships, and strengthen my character through learning to work through conflicts on the job. Welcome to my heart. Welcome to my thoughts and my reflections. I hope that you should learn through my past experiences, and open to learning from my future ones. These are the very things that tickle my fancy. Successful relationships are what I find that I thrive off of. A little different from most, I suppose. But I’m ok with that. I hope you are too.