Ray and Dena.
A Conversation:
I’d only modestly decorated my home. Still so much work to do. I decided Ray and I would talk in the den. It was almost complete and by far my favorite spot in the house to have wine. There are off white sheer curtains on the wall. And off white string lights hanging up under them. I loved how that combination always gave the area an intimate and relaxing feeling.
Watching myself in the bathroom mirror, my stomach began to turn. Jesus, It’s been almost 20 years since I’ve seen Ray. I faintly smiled. Slowing down the rhythm of brushing my hair. What will we talk about? Where do we pick up our conversation after so many years?
Ray had a way about him that was quiet but manly. The few times we hung out, I don’t remember ever having to over compensate. I never felt like I had to be more than who I was in the simplest form. The epitome of a fine gentleman. I was eager to hear about his life’s journey up to this point. My social media nosiness had done its part. I knew he was married with children, highly active in his church, and enjoyed sports. For the last 8 months which covered he and his spouse’s birthday, I hadn’t seen any declarations of love. I wondered if anything had had gone awry.
Just let him bring it up Dena.
My phone sounding off snapped me out of my thoughts.
It’s him.
Dena: Hey Ray. You almost here?
Ray: Yeah. I’m about to get off on your exit I think. I should be there in 5 or less.
Dena: Ok, cool. You have the food. I have the wine. We’re set.
Ray: Good. I can hear you smiling through the phone.
Dena: *Chuckling* Oh. Well, that’s a good thing. See ya when you get here.
Ray: Ok.
I hurried and finished brushing my hair. Sprayed some oil sheen on it. Adjusted my powder pink top over my grey tights. Threw my pink socks on.
I saw Ray’s headlights pull up in the driveway through my window in the office.
I walked down to the den and opened the door.
There he is.
Dena: Hey.
Yes. Now, I was smiling from ear to ear. And so was he.
I grabbed the bag of food and placed it on the sofa.
I turned around and pulled Ray in by his neck and just hugged him. I felt his arms wrap around me.
Ray: Hey Dena. It’s so good to see you.
I didn’t verbally respond. I placed my cheek next to his and took in his scent.
He kissed me on the cheek and embraced me again. I couldn’t believe it. Ray is here in the flesh. Never thought I’d see him again.
I realized that the hug was lingering so I broke it up.
Dena: Come. Have a seat at the table.
Ray: Oh. May I wash my hands?
Dena: Yes, of course. Let me show you where the bathroom is.
Wow. Still just as handsome. A few gray hairs makes him look even better. He’s a ‘Zaddy’ now.
I started giggling to myself.
Ray, coming up behind me startled me.
Ray: What are you giggling at?
Dena: Nothing, I said smiling. Have a seat at the table while I fix the wine.
I prepared some of my favorite red wine for us that I had shipped from Napa Valley.
Dena: We have a lot of to catch up on.
Ray: We do.
Sitting at the table now, I was able to just look at Ray in admiration.
Ray: Let’s unpack the food and get to eating! My road trip has me hungry.
Dena: Right. I’m starving.
Everything was laid out. Salmon, asparagus, and salads. Slices of chocolate cake for dessert.
Ray: Let’s say grace, Ray said as he held his hand out for me to place mine in his.
Lord, thank you for this food. Let it be nutritious to our bodies. Bless the hands and bodies that prepared it. Lord, thank for Dena and I’s friendship. Thank you for allowing us to reconnect. Thank you for our journeys – together and separately. Please let our conversation be pleasing to you and may our words to one another fill our hearts with an abundance of love and peace. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Dena: Amen. Thank you.
Ray: So. How are you? Like, for real, how are you?
Dena: Um, good days. Bad days. You know how it goes.
Ray: Yeah?
Dena: Yeah. No complaints though. I smile through it all. And you? How are you? How’s that baby girl of yours?
A big smile came across Ray’s face.
Ray: I’m good. She’s great. That’s my baby right there.
Dena: And that’s your twin. When I first saw a picture of her, I couldn’t get over how much she looked like you.
Ray: Yeah I know, he said laughing. I hear that almost every day.
Dena: I’m sure you do.
A moment of silence passed while we both were getting into our food.
Ray: So, when exactly was the last time we saw each other?
I just shook my head at first.
Dena: I have no idea. All I can tell you is early 2000s.
Ray: Had to be around 2002 or 2003.
Dena: Agreed.
Silence again.
Ray: Dena, I just wanna say I’m sorry for it not working out between us.
Dena: No, don’t even apologize. We were babies. We didn’t even live in the same town. It wasn’t gonna work. It’s ok. No bad feelings.
Ray: Yea, we had a few things working against us.
Dena: I think everything happened the way it was supposed to.
Ray: I think so too.
Dena: It’s so crazy. Do you remember how we met?
Ray: I think you were on a school trip or something, right?
Dena: I was! It was my sophomore year at Dougherty. It was a trip to St. Simon and Jeckyll Island.
Ray: Yeah, I thought you were cute.
I laughed out loud.
Dena: That’s funny. I used to have this picture of me on that day but it’s lost now. I still remember what I had on.
Ray: I don’t even remember that. What was it?
Dena: It was a blue jogging suit. Navy blue. I had a side bang and the rest was pulled back in a ponytail.
Ray: Dang!
Dena: Well, the hair is only because of the picture.
Ray: Oh ok, Ray said smiling.
I slowly took a sip of wine.
Dena: Things were so innocent back then.
Ray: Remember when we used to write each other all the time.
Dena: All. The. Time.
Ray: You still have my letters?
I looked up at Ray with a smirk on my face.
Dena: No. I think I threw them away once you got a new girlfriend.
Ray: Awe that’s messed up!
I laughed.
Dena: I mean what did you expect? And where are my letters?
Ray: Oh, I think that same girlfriend threw them away.
Dena: Of course she did!
Ray: And remember when you sang to me. What song was it again?
Dena: Oh my God! I literally can’t stand you right now for bringing that up! For the record it was a Monica song.
We both shared our laughs at that part of our past in unison.
Dena: You probably had all the girls back in the day huh?
Ray: No, no. I never played anybody.
Dena: Somehow, I believe that. I can agree that you were one of the good guys.
Ray: You still think that?
Taken aback by his question, I briefly fell quiet.
Dena: I don’t know. I’d have to get to know you all over again.
Ray looked down at his food and slowly finished his last two bites.
Dena: Not sure if we can explore that possibility. So I guess we’ll see.
For a brief moment, Ray and I stared at each other unsure of what was next. I could tell in his face that his heart was full of words but little direction on what to do with them. I wanted to ask about his wife. Were they still married? Is he divorced? Are they separated? But I silently calmed my anxious thoughts and reminded myself I’d let him bring it up. I found myself protective over him. I didn’t want to push any information to come out. Didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable. Wanted him to feel safe and at ease.
Dena: Looks like you’re finished. Why don’t you let me pour you more wine and have a seat on the sofa? I’ll join you in just a second after I put the dishes up.
Ray: Ok, thanks. You have a nice home Dena.
Dena: Thanks! Doing little by little. You know how that goes.
Ray: Yeah, I do. I know it can be exhausting.
I sat down beside him and handed him his glass. Turning my body towards his with my right leg propped up, I intentionally created enough distance between our bodies so they wouldn’t touch unless we reached out for one another.
Ray: So this is the house you grew up in?
Dena: Yep. A little young buck. We moved after my sophomore year.
Ray: So how do you feel being back in your home?
Dena: It’s the best feeling, honestly. In this weird way I kinda feel like I’m reclaiming a bit of my innocence back.
Ray: Really? Why do you say that?
Dena: Well, because for the most part, this home represents when everything was whole for me. I recently figured out that it was around the time I met you was when everything started going downhill.
Ray: I could never tell that by talking to you. And we wrote each other often – talked on the phone. I do remember us talking about your parent’s divorce a bit.
Dena: Yeah, I really don’t even remember talking about that with you. Some things are a blur for me at that time.
Ray: Oh, so now you don’t remember our conversations?!
I laughed.
Dena: No, no. I remember us talking a lot, but as far as the subject matter I don’t recall. Looking back, you were a safe space for me. Everything around me was falling apart. I was falling apart. And maybe subconsciously I just didn’t want to bring my drama into our world.
Ray: I see. Well, what was going on?
Dena: Man, a whole lot, I said smiling.
Dena: I was raped. Parents divorced. Found out –
Ray cut me off.
Ray: Wait. You were raped? When?
Dena: My sophomore year of high school.
Ray: Seriously?
Dena: Seriously.
Ray: So was this before or after we met?
Dena: I don’t remember. That happened on Halloween. I don’t know what month we met. It had to have been cold outside because I had on that jogging suit the day we met.
Ray: Wow. You never told me that.
Dena: I know.
Ray: Wish you would have.
Dena: I don’t.
Ray: Why?
Dena: Because I wouldn’t have wanted you to feel responsible to me. I would not have wanted you feel forced to stay with me.
Ray: But we were friends. I mean, we were more than that.
Dena: Yes, we were.
Ray: I’m sorry you went through that.
Dena: Thanks.
Ray reached over covering his hand with mine.
Dena: I’m good now. I then pulled my hand away pretending to have the need to hold on to my wine.
Ray: Did you ever get counseling?
Dena: Oh yes. For several years off and on. But that’s why I can say I know everything turned out the way it was supposed to.
Ray: What makes you so confident in that?
Dena: Because I was so incredibly broken during that time. Between the rape, the divorce, the estrangement with my dad.
I paused - taking a sip of wine before my next confession.
Dena: I was out in the world for a long time looking for love and affection from anyone who would give it to me. I would of put too much responsibility on you to make me happy. That wouldn’t of been fair. We probably would have been cool for a while, but ultimately I know now we would have failed. You deserved better than who I was at that time.
Ray sat silently for several moments. In his stillness, I felt such a relief to reveal these things to him.
He began his words slowly.
Ray: You know, I understand why you say that.
I faintly smiled at him.
Dena: Yes, I needed to protect our space. You were always so sweet to me. Never pressured me into anything. That was different for me. Different and nice. You were always perfect.
Ray: I’m not perfect Dena.
Dena: You’re not and you weren’t. But you were the perfect example for me to look to when it came to dating. I just didn’t realize it at the time. Or maybe I did. It took me a while to let you go. You on the other hand….
Ray: Awe come on. Don’t do me like that.
Dena: Yeah, whatever. I know I was probably a blip on your radar.
Ray: Not true Dena.
Dena: Ok. I’m just teasing you.
Ray: So what other big things happened in your life? I see on social media you stay on the road.
Dena: I’ve actually slowed down a bit. I gave you all the juicy stuff. Moved around a little. Did the big city thing. Now, I’m back home. And here we are.
Ray: And here we are.
Dena: Your turn.
Ray: I’m going to bore you.
Dena: Try me.
Ray: Dena.
Ray grabbed my hand and looked at me.
Ray: There’s so much I want to say. And coming here I thought it was the right time. And now, I’m not so sure.
Ok, I said, nodding my head.
Dena: There’s no pressure. I just – I really just want you to be happy. I wanted to reconnect with you. Make sure you’re doing ok. Make sure you were good.
Ray: I am. I’m good. I promise to call you soon and we’ll continue this conversation. You have my word Dena.
Dena: Ok Ray. I got you. No biggie.
Ray: It’s late.
Dena: Yeah, wow, 12:05. I’m sorry for rambling.
Ray: No. I’m glad we talked.
Dena: Me too.
Ray: He stood up. And I, after him.
Ray opened his arms wide and in turn I smiled ear to ear. Wanted to tell him I still loved him after all these years but I didn’t.
Ray: We’ll talk again soon. I promise.
Dena: Ok. Are you driving back tonight or you got a room?
Ray: I got a room. I’ll leave out in the morning.
Dena: Ok.
I embraced him once more taking in his scent and his energy. Ray kissed me on the forehead and let me go.
Dena: Call or text me when you make it to your room and again when you make it home tomorrow.
Ray: I will.
I opened the door and Ray left.
I sat back down on the sofa and grabbed my glass of wine. At that moment, I felt such a sadness come over me.
But none of my questions were answered. What has he been up to? What is his life like now? What kinds of things has he been through? Maybe I won’t see him again.
I grabbed my crème colored throw blanket, finished my glass of Roscato, threw my head back on the sofa, took in a few deep breaths, and closed my eyes.
